Wednesday, September 30, 2009

New Age or New Fad, continued...

My sister brought to my attention the end of the New York Times article ("Seeing Yourself in Their Light," by Allen Salkin on September 20, 2009) describing how Ms. Bernstein suggests a client who is worried about moving in with her boyfriend write a story of the perfect "move-in" scenario and read it to herself every day, visualizing the move as ideal.

It's this kind of advice that I find a bit unnerving (dare I say, dangerous).

Visualization is an important tool.  The power of positive thinking has been well-documented.  "Seeing" success is critical in many endeavors - athletic competition, professional achievement, maybe even dating (seeing yourself in a healthy, happy relationship may put you in a better frame of mind for finding one).  But it isn't a solution to all scenarios.

A perfect case-in-point would be Ms. Bernstein's "client."  If she is having doubts about moving in with her boyfriend, she would be far better off exploring the root cause of those doubts than she would putting them aside and creating a fairytale for herself.

It has taken me more than a decade, but I have finally learned an important fact about myself - my subconscious reacts to problems emotionally before my conscious can react rationally.  When I was engaged to my first husband and living in his father's house while studying to become a teacher, I developed severe depression.  I did not attribute my melancholia to either my professional pursuit or my impending nuptials.  I was, instead, treated for clinical depression and for the next four years was on a variety of cocktails made up of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants.  Unsurprisingly, none of the drugs helped.  How could they?  The underlying problem wasn't a misfiring of chemicals in my brain, it was my subconscious's inability to directly state I was making terrible mistakes with my life.

When I began to make changes years later - first, getting off the drugs; then quitting graduate school to try writing; then joining a political campaign; and eventually (and most significantly), deciding to divorce my husband, I was amazed at how much better I felt... Depression cured?  Just about.  I had spent years combating suicidal thoughts and tendencies.  After I made these changes, I never again suffered such utter hopelessness and anguish.  But that doesn't mean I never again felt desperately depressed.

The next time I started suffering the "I hate life" blues was about 9 months into the job I took following the divorce.  I was terrible at the job and not particularly well-liked by any of my bosses (a first for me - I'd always been a "teacher's pet"-type).  Every day, I felt utterly unhappy as I made my way to the office (though the fact I was able to get out of bed and go was a serious improvement over my behavior only a year before).     In this particular scenario, the cause of my unhappiness- the job - was pretty clear.

In fact, I suffered the same thing over and over with each of the following three jobs I took.  The difference was that the jobs weren't nearly as bad and I didn't directly associate my unhappiness with my work initially.  I would just start feeling trapped, claustrophobic and unable to breathe.  I would start crying at work for no apparent reason.  I would start feeling like if this was how I was going to be spending my life, than life wasn't really worth living (though, with no actual desire to end things...).

It wasn't until the second of the three jobs that I finally started to recognize the pattern:  tears, feeling trapped, then feeling hopeless and associated it with what I was doing with my life, i.e. my job.  I wasn't being true to who I am and what I'm meant to do.  Granted, what I wanted to do wasn't possible at the time - quit my day job and write... but I at least recognized that my fits of depression had a practical, real-life cause: my subconscious was unhappy with the decisions my conscious mind was making.  I have learned to recognize the importance of my strong emotional reactions and understand that there is a rational reason for them, even if it isn't immediately apparent.

Reacting emotionally before reacting cerebrally is the way my mind works.  I have come to understand that anxiety and stress can be important warning systems - tools to let me know when I'm about to make a mistake.

Writing a story about my ideal marriage would not have had any impact on the outcome of that relationship.  The reason?  I only have control over my own actions - not over the behavior of anyone else, spouse or otherwise.  So I could have spent a lifetime trying to psychically force him to clean up after himself or try to make my birthday special.  It never would have happened.

Again, there is nothing wrong with positive thinking.  I have an image of the charming, little house I'd like to live in someday soon in the front of my mind.  There is nothing wrong with thinking hard on that picture and trying to bring it to me (a la The Secret) - as long as my husband and I are doing all we can to save for the house in the meantime.  But Ms. Bernstein's client may have had excellent reasons to be worried about her boyfriend moving in with her.  And no amount of visualization of the ideal scenario could change that.  In fact, it could lead to greater frustration and disappointment when, inevitably, the boyfriend fails to live up to the storyline.

For me, my emotional state is the first sign that I am or am not making good choices.  For someone else, it might be another sign - physical health, for example.  Someone who is unhappy with the way their life is going, but who is unable to face those issues and deal with them might suddenly start getting sore throats or terrible cramping.  Their unhappiness might manifest itself in physical discomfort.  The pain is real, but no MD will be able to fix it.  They'll have to realize that they are, in fact, unhappy and take steps to try to address the problems.

We have voices within us to guide us along our path - and learning to listen to them, to understand them and apply them to our lives - that's how we begin our journey to enlightenment.  Ignoring anxiety; failing  to take the time to understand it's cause can be dangerous; can lead us to ignore warning signs that we are about to make a mistake.  Again, it makes me wonder if Ms. Bernstein's $180 fee is money well spent.

On the other hand, there was an interesting article on Huffington Post the day before yesterday.  The article, by Marcus Buckingham, called "What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently" had some points that I thought made excellent sense.

Point 1: Focus on moments, more than goals, plans or dreams.  In other words, rather than trying to "boil the ocean" as my husband has warned me not to do, women who are happy focus on the moments that make them happy.  For my sister, this might mean thinking about how she feels when she creates the perfect floral arrangement and trying to find opportunities to experience that same moment.  For my friend, it might mean finding the perfect way to express in her writing an experience she's had.  

Focusing on the dreams of being a full-time floral artist or a published author can detract from these women's happiness because the realization of them might seem too distant or unattainable.  But focusing on achievable moments - the reasons that we have these dreams to begin with - lets us experience joy in our life almost as often as we'd like.  Little steps to ultimate happiness.

Point 2: Accept what they find.  "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation, giving up on your dreams. In fact, more often than not, accepting which moments strengthen you and which don't reveals to you exactly how you can live out your dreams, whether at home or at work. It means not only being comfortable in your own skin, but also being creative in your own skin."

I interpret this to mean that it's good to want things, but it's important to learn to be happy with where ever you happen to be in life.  For example, when I moved to New York City in 2005, I was still looking for love... I was open to finding someone... I was hopeful.  I put myself out there and dated as much as I could.  BUT, I accepted the fact that I might not meet someone and I made myself grow comfortable with the idea that it might just be me for the rest of my life. I learned how to be happy being on my own.  In doing so... in accepting where I was in life (without letting go of the dream), I felt much more at peace.  

Or, for example, my husband purchased his bachelor pad in England before he moved over to New York to be with me.  Our relationship had not been at the point where I could tell him not to make that kind of a purchase.  This was not a "flat" I ever wanted to live in.  But, here we are.  The real estate market has crashed and who knows if we'll ever sell this place.  I have had moments when I've been really angry at my husband as I walk around the flat, resenting the fact that we live here.  But at some point during the past 18 months, I finally said, "Self, this is where you live.  It has good points and it has bad points.  But being angry won't change the fact that this is where you live.  You won't always live here, but you live here for now.  So better accept that and move on."  Letting go of the anger is a physical release - a weight off.  

I remember getting to this point of acceptance years ago.  I was walking my dog alone one night and asked myself, "What is wrong with this moment?  I have a place to live; I can choose to eat anything I want for dinner tonight (salsa and chips with ice cream dessert?  No problem.); I can watch whatever I want on TV; I have clothes to wear; a place to sleep; and a way to pay my bills.  There is nothing wrong with this moment." That acknowledgement helped me feel happy in the moment.  I lived in the present: moment to moment.

Point 3: Strive for Imbalance.  Rather than trying to find equal time for all things in life, the women in the article try to figure out what moments in life make them the happiest and then make small changes to what they are doing to "tilt their life in that direction."  

It makes sense.  It means making deliberate choices about how one spends ones time and energy so that there are as many good moments as possible.  For me, as a rather introverted individual, this means, for example, saying "no" to invitations from friends when I am really not up for spending time with other people.  It means protecting the time I have for myself.  It means compromising with my exceptionally extroverted husband so that he has the opportunities he needs to socialize and I have the opportunities I need for solitude.

Point 4: Learn to Say Yes.  As the article says, we are often told that we need to learn to say "no" so that we are not overwhelmed with obligations.  But the flip side is that we need to learn to say "yes" to doing things that interest us or make us happy.  Go to the movie you're dying to see even though tickets these days are ridiculously expensive.  Say yes to people who offer you help by reducing your load a bit, even if you feel like you're imposing on them.  Say yes to a small purchase or adventure, even if it feels frivolous.  

***
It probably would have been sufficient for me simply to link to the article from the Huffington Post, rather than summarizing so much of it here.  But, my point is that there was more good advice to be had for free from this article than I imagine is to be had by the so-called "Spiritual Cowgirls" of the NYT article.  

We all have to find our own way through experience, and from understanding ourselves.  I am certain one can obtain enlightenment and still have a glass of wine with a nice filet mignon.  I don't think anyone needs to pay $180 a week for a teacher.  Teachers are all around us.  Books are full of them.  Passing strangers can show us something we need to know. An old friend... 

To me the "Charlie's Angels of Wellness" aka "Spiritual Superheroines" (as they've named themselves) are this year's Manolos...  

All I would say to those who are thinking of following them is keep searching... 

Monday, September 28, 2009

New Age Spiritualism: Fad or Phenomenon?

The New York Times ran an article just over a week ago called "Seeing Yourself in Their Light," about a number of former New York City "Carrie Bradshaw" types who are now making a living as spiritual "gurus." I've been bothered ever since I read the article. Here is an excerpt:

"That night in her apartment in Greenwich Village, she anointed her hands in fragrant oil and, using a mixture of phrases gleaned from self-help books, meditation exercises and inspirational music, led seven young women seated on saffron and red pillows through nearly two hours of spiritual life-coaching."

“Hang out in the light,” she told the women, all in their 20s and early 30s, quoting from her forthcoming book, “Add More -ing to Your Life.” “Take action once a day to do something that ignites your life.”

The article next informs us that Ms. Bernstein no longer eats red meat or drinks alcohol. I have to wonder what this, and the fragrant oil, and the red and yellow pillows have to do with spiritual growth? And does she happen to have a special lamp under which she wants people to sit? What "light" exactly does she hope people will "hang out in"?

I'd like to say I don't begrudge Gabrielle Bernstein the $180 she charges for her four weekly sessions. People can sell whatever they can convince someone to buy. But, still, it offends me.

I haven't met Ms. Bernstein. I haven't seen her forth-coming book. I have no idea what her personal journey has been... but after reading the article, all I could think of was snake oil, hucksters and the next New York "vogue."

I realize it is unfair of me to judge. She could be as enlightened as the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa. But picturing this woman scouring other authors' "self-help" books to share snippets with poor, lost souls while she eats her tofu and makes sure her iPod's "inspiration" playlist includes lots of bells and drums and sitars, as incense burns and the money rolls in somehow strikes me as no more "spiritual" than Jimmy Choo's sidewalk sale.

Same people, same image-driven fad... different day.

There are real teachers out there. There are people who have lived and learned and opened themselves to universal truths. People who have fallen and picked themselves up... who have sought and found themselves. They have written books worth reading and can provide the right advice at the right moment in a person's life to help them take the path for which they are meant.

True teachers understand that no two people's journeys (to enlightenment, to truth, to happiness) is the same. They share what they know but they do not pretend to have the answers for anyone else. And I just don't believe that they charge $180 a week to allow people to sit in their apartment and rehash The Secret or Eat, Pray, Love.

I really shouldn't come down so hard on Ms. Bernstein. As I said, for all I know she is the next Buddha and what she is sharing with the young women in Greenwich Village is priceless. It's just, from my experience, I don't think it's any more difficult hear God's voice after eating a thick, juicy steak then after a soy burger. I just hope she, and the other women in the article, are helping their audience to understand happiness and to find themselves, which requires living and making mistakes as much as it requires yoga, mediation and pilgrimages to an Indian ashram.

What I must admit is that these women have tapped into something: a common longing, a need, a quest... call it what you will. In James Redfield's 1993 best seller The Celestine Prophecy he talks about a world-wide awakening - the "first insight" - whereby a critical mass of people begin to experience mysterious coincidences leading to a new spirituality. Maybe that's what's happening.

Or maybe nothing is changing...

There have always been people seeking truth. People who want their lives to mean something; who want to follow their dreams; who want to understand who we are and why we're here; who want to know God.

And there have always been teachers (both genuine and not).

I, myself, am a seeker. I have learned from teachers such as Paulo Coelho and Plato. I have learned from my own experiences and from my friends and family.

Inspired, in a way, by the article, I have decided to blog about what I have learned and what I believe. Not because I am a teacher or a guru or have achieved "enlightenment." Not because I know any more than anyone else. But because I am happy now and I wasn't before. Because I have found love and am living the life I always dreamed of living... I have many of the things I know others wish for and for which I am incredibly grateful. And maybe someday just one person will read what I've written and in it, find something he or she can use...

I don't claim to have answers, but I'm happy to share my experience and my opinions, if only to clarify them for myself...