"Plan for what is difficult when it is easy, do what is great when it is small. The most difficult things in the world must be done when they are still easy. The greatest things in the world must be done when they are still small. For this reason, sages never do what is great, and this is why they can achieve that greatness."
Sun Tzu: The Art of War
My next piece on Rebel Mom will be about life coaching. I'll post the link when it runs, but in the meantime, I want to expand a bit about one particular thing I learned in my one day session with life coach Olivia Mackinder.
I had always wondered, rather skeptically, about life coaching. What do they do, cheer you on as you pay your bills? Offer advice on your technique as you sit down at your desk at work? Help you decide the meaning of life? Talking to Olivia made clear a couple of points: 1) life coaches are not therapists. And 2) her job is to help you figure out and achieve your goals. It's an aspect of this second point I want to mention.
Olivia told me the kind of work she does with her clients is often helping them break down big goals, like starting a new business, into small, manageable goals. If you are at "A" and you want to get to "Z" but are overwhelmed and don't know where to start, she helps you figure out what "B" is and get there... then "C" and so on.
To me, a life coach's (or anyone's) ability to do this is an essential life skill. The first time I read about it was ten years ago in Julia Cameron’s wonderful book, The Artist’s Way (a book I’d recommend for anyone who has something they’d like to do, but think they can’t). Cameron describes how an artist should set “gentle” goals. You don’t sit down to your computer to write a novel. You sit down and write 200 words. They can be any words… nonsense if it helps… or maybe stream of consciousness. Just anything to get words down on a page. She tells you “just show up to the page”.
I have applied that the advice to other life goals: weight loss, for example. In my mid-twenties, I was on medication that caused me to gain 80 lbs. I looked like an oompa loompa’s fat cousin – like someone had covered my ears, mouth and belly button, then blown hard into my nose. It was not a good look. I desperately wanted to lose the weight. I tried yoga, but only the kind that involved mostly deep breathing. I tried horseback riding, thinking a sport that primarily involved sitting might be for me, but I fell trying to heave my bloated body onto the horse and nearly had to cut my swollen knee out of my jeans (that’s after the horse reared and nearly landed on my head). Forget going to the gym, I would never have been motivated enough.
After I read The Artist’s Way, I decided to set myself “gentle,” manageable goals. I started by walking to the mailbox. Yep, I used to drive the tenth of a mile to the mailbox at my condo. Very slowly and very gradually, I increased the distance I would walk every day. Eventually, I even had the impulse to start running. As I started to lose the weight, I became motivated to make some changes to my diet – like eating Weight Watchers frozen meals to teach me portion control. Within a year, I had lost all 80 lbs.
Fast forward to this year. I put on 35 lbs when I was pregnant. In fact, my fear of weight gain was so strong it was part of the reason I was hesitant about getting pregnant in the first place. Yet, there I was – facing again one of my worst fears. Conall weighed 7 lbs when he was born. And yet, I weighed myself after giving birth and I was only 5 lbs lighter. Explain that math to me! I had a lot of weight to lose.
It took about three months before I had any desire to start trying to lose weight. But when I did, again, I started slowly. I walked a little further every day (helped by my desire to listen to lectures on iTunes University – see my piece on Rebel Mom for more). I used my Wii-Fit in the morning religiously, letting its daily weigh ins be a reminder and motivator. Slowly, too, I started to be more careful about what I was eating and how much.
I’ve never faced any kind of addiction to drugs, tobacco or alcohol, but put me in front of a plate of French fries and you’ll see someone with no self-control. It is hard work for me to limit my portion size and to choose healthier options. I make the attempt meal by meal… Sometimes, I fail, but I know there’s always tomorrow to try again. And I’m proud to say, I only have 7 more lbs to lose to get back to “pre-pregnancy.” Yay!
Every difficult goal becomes easier after taking little steps. Whether it’s walking a block, then two, then three… or starting a business.
It made a ton of sense. If you have a huge goal ahead of you and you’re focused on achieving it day one, you can easily become overwhelmed. The key is to find one or two relatively easy things you can do toward your goal every day… chip away at it.
If you have something daunting to do (like move to a new city, look for a new job, start a new business), break things down to their simplest parts. Make a list of what needs to get done, then assign yourself a task or two. Maybe on Monday, you look up apartments on Craigslist… or you send in two resumes… or you make one call to someone who might be interested in your business. Do enough so you can feel good about the progress you’ve made, but don’t assign yourself so much that you don’t even want to start.
It’s the same if you want to start a novel or knit a sweater. These aren’t tasks that can be done in a day, they necessarily take time. When I’m writing a book, I set myself the goal of 250 words a day. I can write 250 words in a few minutes (I’m not saying they’ll be any good, but I can do it). So when I open my computer, I know I can get through the day’s work. And usually, once I get started, I get caught up in what I’m writing and suddenly 1,000 words are down. But if I told myself to write 1,000 words, I probably would psyche myself out of it before I began – my computer would hardly ever be touched.
Remember, as Olivia said, you can’t get to from A to Z without all the letters in between. And as Sun Tzu said, “do what is great when it is small.” Anything can be accomplished, you can get through any situation no matter how difficult it might seem, if you take just take small steps forward every day.
And as for life coaching, it may not be for everyone, but it certainly helps to have someone there checking on your progress, offering support when you feel like you’ve hit a wall and helping you define the next step.
PS Thanks to my friend, the author Ken Siri, for sending me the Sun Tzu quote.
PS Thanks to my friend, the author Ken Siri, for sending me the Sun Tzu quote.
