Lost and Trapped, part 4: lesson 2

Lesson 2: Wedding vs. Marriage


The second mistake I made was willfully confusing a wedding with a marriage.  As I mentioned, I met X in June, was in DC in July and he proposed when I returned in early August.  Now this felt, at the time, like Twilight Zone time - it seemed forever.  But obviously, it was very rushed.  He had begun talking about marriage in June, just weeks after we'd met.  And we were apart in July, so I could fantasize all I wanted about him and our life together without fact and reality interfering.


And here's what I fantasized about: what kind of ring would he buy?  What would my girlfriends say when I asked them to be bridesmaids?  Where could I start looking for a dress?  


Here's what I gave no thought to whatsoever: how well do I know this man?  Am I giving up too much to be with him?  What will I do with my life when I am back in Connecticut?  Would he sacrifice as much for me?  What will life be like with him in ten years?  How will I cope with how messy he is?  


So many of us girls dream of "getting married."  What we refer to in that dream (or, at least, what I meant by that) is the wedding day and the fact that we have a man who wants us.  Too few of us think long and hard over whether we want the man.  And what life will be like day after day, year after long year.


Some women fantasize about a doctor, lawyer or politician - someone with a job they admire or desire because of the associated wealth and power.  They want someone who will take care of them financially, buy them a house or take them on glamorous vacations.  Someone who will impress their friends or family.  Someone who will open up a social world they may desire.  They want a hero who will sweep them away to his castle on a hill where they'll live "happily ever after"  (whatever that means).


Too few women, I think, focus on the qualities they desire in a man: trustworthiness, loyalty, support, kindness, sense of humor.  Too few think about whether the man will expend his energy trying to make their lives better, happier, more fun, more fulfilled.  Whether he will fit in with the life they already have.  Whether he will support their dreams, or whether his focus will be solely on his own career and dreams.


Too few think about what kind of father the man would make - will he be an equal partner, or will he kiss the kids on the head after he arrives home late from the office or before he rushes off for another international trip.


We get caught up in the moment - the romance, the excitement of being loved and wanted, the status we might think it confers upon us.  We don't think about the substance of what we truly need to be happy.  We don't think of what we want in a partner.  What kind of a man do we want by our side in 5 years, 10 years, 40 years? 


The wedding lasts a day.  It is (or ought to be) an acknowledgement and celebration of a relationship - a lasting state - that exists between two people.  Not a goal in itself... not an end.  Because the wedding day does fly by... but I can't begin to describe how long life can seem when you are unhappy in a relationship and can't see any way out.  When every day is a small scrape of a disappointment, embarrassment or frustration.  When some days are a huge and painful battle. When you realize you've sacrificed your youth, your career, your children, yourself and must start try to start over at a time when you thought everything would be settled.


After, I learned that if ever someone were to propose to me again, I needed to pay attention to the following:  my gut reaction - was I filled with joy and happiness or was I a bit queasy?  could I see myself in love with this man when he is old, wrinkled and drooling?  could I imagine wanting to be with him in our home every day?  did he understand what I want from life and would he help me to achieve it?  did I understand what he wanted and could I support his dreams?  could I imagine always being attracted to him?


I thought of none of those things when X started talking about proposing.  I thought of wedding... not marriage.  And it was not long before I learned the difference and how serious my mistake had been.